Start Now

This Reddit thread is horrible…

And great.
And sad.
And inspiring.

It was posted in the “TIFU” (Today I F#cked Up) section a few months ago but was picked up by some big sites recently, which is how I found it.

john-reddit

In it, a 46 year old man who identified himself only as “John” posted a public confession that he’d ruined his entire life. He traded his dreams for a full-time job and forgot about everything else.

I’m currently in the process of writing out my concept for ‘The Art of Self Destruction’ and his admission really hit home.

John’s story is exactly the kind of “moment” you need to have to make a break through, so I wanted to share it with you today.

Here is the majority of the post. Source: Reddit

My Regrets As a 46 Year Old and Advice To Others At A Crossroad

Hi, I my name’s John. I’ve been lurking for a while, but I’ve finally made an account to post this. I need to get my life off my chest. About me. I’m a 46 year old banker and I have been living my whole life the opposite of how I wanted. All my dreams, my passion, gone. In a steady 9–7 job. 6 days a week. For 26 years. I repeatedly chose the safe path for everything, which eventually changed who I was.

Today I found out my wife has been cheating on me for the last 10 years. My son feels nothing for me. I realised I missed my father’s funeral FOR NOTHING. I didn’t complete my novel, travelling the world, helping the homeless. All these things I thought I knew to be a certainty about myself when i was in my late teens and early twenties. If my younger self had met me today, I would have punched myself in the face. I’ll get to how those dreams were crushed soon.

Let’s start with a description of me when I was 20. It seemed only yesterday when I was sure I was going to change the world. People loved me, and I loved people. I was innovative, creative, spontaneous, risk-taking and great with people. I had two dreams. The first, was writing a utopic/dystopic book. The second, was travelling the world and helping the poor and homeless. I had been dating my wife for four years by then. Young love. She loved my spontaneity, my energy, my ability to make people laugh and feel loved. I knew my book was going to change the world. I would show the perspective of the ‘bad’ and the ‘twisted’, showing my viewers that everybody thinks differently, that people never think what the do is wrong. I was 70 pages through when i was 20. I am still 70 pages in, at 46. By 20, I had backpacking around New Zealand and the Phillipines. I planned to do all of Asia, then Europe, then America (I live in Australia by the way). To date, I have only been to New Zealand and the Phillipines.

Now, we get to where it all went wrong. My biggest regrets. I was 20. I was the only child. I needed to be stable. I needed to take that graduate job, which would dictate my whole life. To devote my entire life in a 9–7 job. What was I thinking? How could I live, when the job was my life? After coming home, I would eat dinner, prepare my work for the following day, and sleep at 10pm, to wake up at 6am the following day. God, I can’t remember the last time I’ve made love to my wife.

Yesterday, my wife admitted to cheating on me for the last 10 years. 10 years. That seems like a long time, but i can’t comprehend it. It doesn’t even hurt. She says it’s because I’ve changed. I’m not the person I was. What have I been doing in the last 10 years? Outside of work, I really can’t say anything. Not being a proper husband. Not being ME. Who am I? What happened to me? I didn’t even ask for a divorce, or yell at her, or cry. I felt NOTHING. Now I can feel a tear as I write this. But not because my wife has been cheating on me, but because I am now realising I have been dying inside. What happened to that fun-loving, risk-taking, energetic person that was me, hungering to change the world? I remember being asked on a date by the most popular girl in the school, but declining her for my now-wife. God, I was really popular with the girls in high school. In university/college too. But i stayed loyal. I didn’t explore. I studied everyday.

Remember all that backpacking and book-writing I told you about? That was all in the first few years of college. I worked part-time and splurged all that I had earned. Now, I save every penny. I don’t remember a time I spend anything on anything fun. On anything for myself. What do I even want now?
My father passed ten years ago. I remember getting calls from mom, telling me he was getting sicker and sicker. I was getting busier and busier, on the verge of a big promotion. I kept putting my visit off, hoping in my mind he would hold on. He died, and I got my promotion. I haven’t seen him in 15 years. When he died, I told myself it didn’t matter what I didn’t see him. Being an atheist, I rationalized that being dead, it wouldn’t matter anyway. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Rationalizing everything, making excuses to put things off. Excuses. Procrastination. It all leads to one thing, nothing. I rationalized that financial security was the most important thing. I now know, that it definitely is not. I regret doing nothing with my energy, when I had it. My passions. My youth. I regret letting my job take over my life. I regret being an awful husband, a money-making machine. I regret not finishing my novel, not travelling the world. Not being emotionally there for my son. Being a damn emotionless wallet.

If you’re reading this, and you have a whole life ahead of you, please. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t leave your dreams for later. Relish in your energy, your passions. Don’t stay on the internet with all your spare time (unless your passion needs it). Please, do something with your life while your young. DO NOT settle down at 20. DO NOT forget your friends, your family. Yourself. Do NOT waste your life. Your ambitions. Like I did mine. Do not be like me.

— End of story

My Thoughts

In the Art of Self Destruction, Chapter 1, I wrote that the first step in rebuilding your life is to SELF DESTRUCT and “Give Up”.

In John’s story, he’s absolutely Given Up. He’s realized he messed up his life and confessed it to the entire world. That is as good as it gets.

But if I had the chance to talk to him, I’d recommend one thing. I would say:

Today (at 46 years old) you are younger than you will ever be again. And someday you will look back at this exact moment and say to yourself “I was so young there, why didn’t I finish my novel then?”

Start now. Over and over again, start NOW.

Closing

One of the most common questions I get is “Do you think it’s too late for a _____ year old to start doing __________?” My answer is always “HELL NO”.

If you’re like John and feel like you’ve taken a wrong turn in life, played it too safe and forgotten about your dreams – there are only two things that you need to do.

  • Give Up: Acknowledge the problem and accept responsibility for it
  • SELF DESTRUCT: Smash the old you and start building the new one.

And remember: It’s never too late to recreate yourself and start living your dreams. No matter how old you are today, you are the youngest you will ever be again. And ten years from now, you’ll wish you started today.

So start now.

Over and over again, start NOW.

  • Daniel Nguyen

    I felt the same way he did. I also regretted not taking the bulls by the horns at a young age. But at 32 now, I finally understand and on a mission to fulfill my dreams.

    • http://malandarras.com/ Malan Darras

      to someone who is 60, you are a baby at 32. Age isn’t real, it’s relative.

  • Nikola Sarac

    This is IT.
    Today, not tomorrow but TODAY I’m radically changing my life.
    Man, I’m so pumped right now

    • http://malandarras.com/ Malan Darras

      That’s IT Nikola

  • Remy

    Thanks for the share. I feel bad for the guy and at the same time happy for him.

    When I was 20 I crashed into a telephone pole and instead of it killing me it ending up saving my life.

    After I survived I quit hanging around my so called friends and quit drinking. I got a job and started going out and enjoying life.

    Unfortunately it lasted for only so long and then went back to old habits. It was a back and forth type of deal for me.

    Stories like this remind me of what I don’t want to happen.

    I wish I could tell the guy that it gets easier, but it doesn’t. You cannot let your guard down. Not even for a moment.

  • Curious

    Malan, do you think living your own life is incompatible with marriage or even long-term relationships?

    It seems like so many stories of people squandering their lives in this manner begin with a woman getting pregnant.

    Admittedly, I managed to waste most of my life without getting anyone pregnant, but it does seem to me that the way many guys behave (having unprotected sex with women, trusting her to take care of the protection) is just the quick and easy way to avoid testing if you really had what it took to make your dreams come true. Because the kid on the way gives you an automatic excuse for why you didn’t try — you “couldn’t”.

    • http://malandarras.com/ Malan Darras

      I don’t think it’s incompatible, there are many people who do the stuff I do (affiliate marketing/gym/meditation/etc) that have families and kids. But I do think for me it’s been easier for me to advance, simply because I have the extra time.

    • Pete

      @Curious, there are guys you started out as affiliate marketers then got married and had kids, and along they way built huge marketing companies. It can be done.
      Don’t worry what others think or say. If you have a dream, go for it!
      @Malan, brilliant post, ‘John’s’ reddit post reminds me of the guy in the film American Beauty.

  • Petre Veluda

    That’s why I love your blog. Posts like this help people. I read the comments bellow and I have a simple advice, maybe this will help as well: whenever you feel too comfortable, too unhappily “happy” with your life, get out of it, do something different or work to achieve the next level at whatever you do.

    And if you passed all that and I think Malan will agree with me on this, ask yourself this question: What I do today is only for me or do I influence many others? – cause I believe this is our purpose. This way you will never be “lost” again, at least this is what I think.

  • http://johncrestani.com John Crestani

    Powerful

  • lukepeerfly

    I hope John spends some of the money he’s been saving and creates amazing experiences for him and his son.

  • Brian McKenzie

    This is some DEEP shit right here. Thank goodness I came across this blog. There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel, and the only road block that prevents me from reaching the end is the “old” me. Self destruction has got to be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Thanks for the post, MD. Truly inspiring stuff.